Do boy-children grow up to expect women to do it all like their mamas did?
Case in point. Young man leaves the nest (maybe), ventures out on his own, searches for someone just like good ole’ mom. Just who is “good ole’ mom?” Well, if she was like my single mother, she did everydamnthing that had to be done. She worked in and outside our home, she made important decisions concerning our lives, she battled societal forces, and basically, both literally and figuratively, the buck stopped with her.
I’m female. Those were good lessons for me. She taught me by example. She demanded that I did no less than she in all matters concerning my existence. Those lessons have served me well.
No doubt, single moms all over the world have raised some wonderful, independent, productive and strong sons. But you already know I’m not going to talk about those guys. Today, let’s explore the other baby boys and what they take away from being raised by a woman who does it all.
I hate that old commercial that said “I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never, ever, let you forget you’re a man.” I think all that did was increase our work load. Frankly, I think when women do it all, males do forget they are men. I remember a conversation that I had with an older woman a few years back. We were in the middle of putting together a project for an art show. There were different tasks that had to be done, and we went down the list and divided them up. However, when we got to several that required some “heavy lifting,” both mentally and physically, she said, “Oh, we’ll leave that for Henry (made up name for her husband). Me, being the self reliant resourceful sort said, “We can do it!” And she said, “I know we can, dear, we must leave something for the man to do.”
Hmm. That’s always stayed on my mind. Do we women, single moms in particular, do everything, leaving nothing for our sons to do? When you go grocery shopping with your boy, do you carry the heavier bags, because you think that’s what a good mom should do, even though he’s a strapping 13 year old who’s taller than you? Do you wring your hands over bills and rebuff his offer to get a part-time gig to help out, or tell him to keep the coins in his piggy bank for himself? If there’s some strange noise at the door, who investigates? I could go on.
Is there no wonder that boys grow up to look for women just like mom: provider, protector, heavy lifter? What else do they know? So the woman he chooses will have to do all that mom did because honestly, he doesn’t know any different. He had no practice. Is there any wonder some women are pulling out their hair over being tied to immature and irresponsible men?
You meant well. You were only being what you imagined a good parent should be. The trouble is that when it’s time to push baby boy out of the nest, that bird can’t fly.
Give your sons wings.
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No doubt, if it was not for the good black men, our race would be toast. It’s just sad that good single mothers can only go so far in setting a ‘manly’ example for their beloved sons.
I’ve thought much about this, and I’ve come to believe that more than wanting the woman in their lives to do everything mama did, they don’t know, or never really learned what their man role is. I’ve seen a lot of Black men do a lot of things, but very few did what my grandfather did in his role as the man–and I think that is so very sad because while we were mamas, doing what mamas do, through no fault of our own, our boys were being failed their rite into manhood whenever the man was missing from the picture.
Too many Black boys don’t have the availability of their fathers (or any man) on a daily basis doing their man thing, and it’s not likely that they are watching and emulating mama do anything (so-called male or female things), as do girls.
I’ve seen many good Black men lead families, and do a fairly good job by default. By that I mean that what they did not learn from their fathers, they learned, haphazardly. By the time they’ve got it down, their own sons are going into manhood ill-prepared–and the cycle continues…